Between the whittlings: Am I Back?
Hellohello! It’s been a while.
It’s been a whole month since I last posted and every time I think about it, a little Gummy Bear of Guilt (I don’t know why it’s a gummy bear but let’s run with it) hops up onto my shoulder and incessantly pokes me until I flick it off and avoid thinking about it for a few days before the cycle repeats.
I’ve often wanted to come on here and just…reflect, instead of write. But every time I think about that, the Guilt Gummy comes back and is all ‘You told them you’d practice your writing. Reflecting is not practicing writing.’
Basically, the Guilt Gummy is annoying so I’m not gonna listen to it for a while.
Instead, I’m gonna take the chance to examine why I fell off the writing wagon, what I really want out of this and what I could do to make sure I don’t fall off again. Or even if do, what could I do to make sure it’s easier to get back on?
Why I Fell Off
April and May were particularly difficult months to get through. My mental health was at its lowest its ever been. Whatever empathy or compassion I had for myself disappeared into a swirl of self-loathing that every waking moment was just…too much. And then there was the part of me that was observing myself crumble, from the edge of everything, frowning like I was watching a bad movie.
But it wasn’t all bad. Amidst all the hate was so much love. It didn’t come from me, mind you. The love was from the people around me. It was really like I’d stopped, for one reason or another, pouring water into my own cup, and the people around me just went ‘Don’t worry, we got this,’ and they kept pouring and pouring and pouring until I got better. Which, I did :)
Besides a short story I submitted for an open call, I didn’t get much writing done.
I went for a holiday with my husband. It was lovely. It was exactly what we needed, actually. Time for ourselves, and to ourselves. Also, holiday time is simultaneously nothing and everything. Nothing means anything when you’re on holiday. All the makeup you buy on a holiday is free. All the food you eat on a holiday contributes nothing to your body. But any single moment is also everything. Every moment is a moment in itself and is unattached to how much work you’ve gotten done, how much work you have left, how many classes you have to teach, how people you have to meet. Every moment was simply ours and we did whatever we wanted with it.
And then I got back two weeks ago and that was exactly when I fell sick. And I’ve just been physically unwell since then. Hurhur. I’ve been coughing all over the place and my voice just ceased to exist like three times over the past two weeks. But I’m on antibiotics now so I hope that’s gonna help.
How To Not Fall Off Again
In light of all that, whenever I thought about this newsletter, I’d just think ‘ah, it’s too much work.’ What was meant to be bite-sized suddenly became too much work. But then, it is work. Writing IS work. And the whole point of this was that I’d come on here and do work.
But if it’s getting to the point that the prospect of work is putting me off restarting this then…maybe I need to change what I’m doing? Maybe not every week needs to be done in the same way or the same format? Maybe I should invent the rules as I go, instead of inventing one rule and then sticking to it. Which is really silly, right? Because I’m doing this myself so why can’t I just give myself the freedom to develop my writing practice however I want?
Because I’m just always too scared, actually.
In class, when students ask me for advice about writing or even about self-esteem, I’m always telling them they can do it and that it’s okay to make mistakes. It’s okay to take up space. But what I’ve realised about myself this year is that I’m too scared to take up more space than I already do. I hold back from conversations, from opportunities, from giving things a go because I’m always so worried that something might go wrong and someone might end up hating me. It never occurred to me that living life this way would one day mean that the person who hated myself the most was me. I make rigid rules for myself. Rules that are impossible to live up to. Rules I inevitably break. Rules that become an excuse for me to hate myself.
So! I’ve tried to make sense of everything - my internal challenges, my actual workload from my job and my desire to write more - and I’ve tried to come up with rules that are more…flexible?
New rules:
Post every week
It doesn’t matter what I post or how long/short the post is.
I always tell my students: The aim is completion, not perfection.
Make different types of posts
Whittled wordlets
The ones where I edit my own work
Unwhittled wordlets
If I really don’t have time to edit, I’ll just really type whatever, lol.
Between the whittlings!
Reflective pieces like this
Pieces where I reflect on stories I’ve enjoyed and then try to unpack why/see what I can apply to my own work.
Moving forward
That’s about all I have for now. I think it’s an alright plan. What do you think?
I think I’m back.
See you next week :)